DRAGOLANDIA: Disfunción eréctil
Hay que ser cursi –yo no me tengo por tal– para llamar disfunción eréctil a lo que siempre se ha llamado de otra manera. La perversión del lenguaje, que es el sistema más útil inventado hasta ahora para esconder la realidad y manipular a la gente, está llegando a extremos inusitados.
Es el idioma performativo. Lo inventó la Biblia. Está ya en la primera línea del Génesis. Consiste en creer (o en fingir que se cree) que basta con decir una cosa para que ésta exista o se cumpla.
Por ejemplo: hágase la luz. Y la luz se hizo.
Otro ejemplo: os declaro –dice el cura– marido y mujer. Y zas: matrimonio habemus.
A los progres les encanta utilizar ese truco, pero también la derecha lo ha adoptado. Zapatero y Rajoy, coreados por todos sus acólitos, rizan el rizo en lo concerniente a él. Franco llamaba limitaciones expresivas a la censura. Ahora se llama corrección política.
Pero no quería hablar de eso, sino de lo otro: de las limitaciones eréctiles. No es cursilería. Es ironía.
Yo dejé de ser el que hasta entonces había sido cuando en septiembre de 2004 renuncié a los porros. Tres meses más tarde me operaron del corazón, y fue el remate. Mi actividad sexual cayó en picado. Un buen día –bueno de verdad– probé el Cialis. Me lo había aconsejado un filósofo al que tengo por amigo. Es persona conocida. Silenciaré su nombre. Fue mano de santo.
No voy a exagerar. No voy a decir que recuperé el vigor de la adolescencia. Pero el episodio que de la mencionada ingesta se derivó fue extremadamente satisfactorio. Desde entonces suelo tomar el fármaco en cuestión una vez a la semana. Con eso me conformo. Su efecto se mantiene durante veinticuatro horas, como mínimo. Mi amigo, el filósofo, extiende el radio de acción de la sustancia a varios días. Feliz él, si no exagera. Y si exagera, también, porque el placebo y la sugestión que de él se deriva obran milagros.
El factor activo del Cialis es el taladafilo. La Viagra lleva sildenafilo. La Levitra se elabora con vardenafilo. Son tres fármacos análogos, aunque no iguales. No he probado los dos últimos. Lo haré cualquier semana de éstas, y ya les contaré.
Un aviso: absténganse de tomarlos si padecen hipotensión severa y no se les ocurra mezclarlos con cafinitrina. Yo, la primera vez, estuve a punto de hacerlo –lo conté en mi libro Kokoro– y… Diré sólo una cosa: menos mal que frené a tiempo.
Los tratadistas políticamente incorrectos asignan a la verga cinco estados posibles. Puede estar blanda, morcillona, dura, dura con brillo y reventona. Lo de morcillona es un hallazgo lingüístico digno del mejor Cela. Lo de reventona, en cambio, es de mi cosecha.
Con el Cialis se alcanza el tercer grado y a veces el cuarto. Quizá mi amigo, el filósofo, llegue al quinto. Se lo preguntaré.
De nada.
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Hay una escena en la película ¨Novecento¨de Bertolucci que vi siendo niña en la que recuerdo vagamente como el patriarca ya anciano le dice a su nieto, antes de ahorcarse, que lo peor que puede pasarle a un hombre es que ya no se le levante…Me pregunto a cuántos hombres han salvado la vida éstas pócimas de diseño recuperadoras del ego varonil.
Sr Dragó déjeme decirle que para ser usted -o al menos parecermelo a mí- un hombre de mundo, sus hábitos son un tanto pueblerinos; me explico: Aclararle que cialis, viagra, etc son remedios para aliviar el decaído ego de los ancianos de recursos limitados. Aquí desde donde le escribo, Londres, -aunque también sucede en otras capitales culturales- la moda entre los connoisseurs setentañeros y con posibles consiste en masajearse el ego exhibiendo en público y sin ningún pudor, sus colecciones privadas de arte que yo comparo simbólicamente con sus vergas erectas y perfectamente catalogables en alguno de los cinco estados que usted indica. Viene al caso ahora mismo la de Charles Saatchi que acaba de abrir al público hace unas semanas en Chelsea y es de entrada gratuita, con el fin de ¨presumir¨ como él mismo dice de su colección de arte (mi veredicto: semiblanda aunque con mucho brillo) y quiero recalcar lo de entrada gratuita porque cuando más necesitado está uno por que le masajeen públicamente el mustio ego más dispuesto está a perder unos miles de euros en tamaña extravagancia, del todo comprensible no obstante, si como ha dicho Bertolucci en ‘Novecento’ el ego masculino es cuestión de vida o muerte. Saludos.
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